the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
