I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
