ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
the day after is always just damage control
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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