he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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