It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
