I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
