2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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