Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
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It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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