There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
