i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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