i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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