wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
