Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
