Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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