my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
