There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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