Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
