The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
