My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
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It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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