why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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