I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
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It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
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Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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