im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
