I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
