How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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