Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
