This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
