How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
