the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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