Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
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Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
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Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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