He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
