is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
