We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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