she was so not down for the gang bang
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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