Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
