A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
