so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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