Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
no, he came in my armpit
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
