Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
