my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
FUCK WHALES
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