sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
