Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I could make wine with my vomit
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
