rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
