I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
