My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
