Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
