you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
