Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
