My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think pants incapable of making pants work
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
