Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
