He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
