Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
