i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
