I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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