Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
