put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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