Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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